Didn't know what else to call this and not sure about sharing but I guess writing it down might help some.

Not sure where to start ...

I guess because of my upbringing I never had a 'daddy' so never had a male figure that was 'affectionate' ... consequently my only closeness has been with lovers, and when I am Hypo I become very sexually inappropriate.
I do have the ability to see this is very bad so I guess I get my kicks online as its safer and less likely to get me into any damaging trouble.
I also have Pure O OCD so I crave attention and reassurance with that and coupled with my Hypo I become sexually active online in chat rooms etc.

I met a guy online 10 years ago, ( on a regular forum ) in the beginning there was lots of harmless flirting and initially we live in separate countries, but then my Husbands job caused us to move to same country, and this guy was my only 'friend'. I know recognise my hypomanic states in the past and during those things hotted up between us. He boosted my self confidence and for the first time I felt great about my body and started to take flirty pictures etc for him.

It got very much out of control and at its worst I was begging my poor husband to let me have an affair with him

The guy is married and only lives 3 hours away but luckily I don't drive so we never met up.

We talked almost every day, and when I'd come out of my phase things would go back to us just being friends.

Our boys are the same age so over the years they have become console gaming buddies as did this guy and I.

He is a funny character as he is a control freak and to be honest not many people can put up with him and he pisses them off so they stop gaming with him, but I have always stuck by him as a friend.

During another hypomanic phase things got hot again with us telling eachother we loved each other etc, all ver self destructive things on my part.

My Husband has Aspergers so he isnt very affectionate, isnt very possesive or flirty if you like and this guy just always pushed those right buttons when needed.

I used to convince myself it was ok because the chemistry between this guy and I always spilled over into my relationship and hotted things up in the nedroom for Hubby and I.

I know, it's just making excuses for me to feel ok about something that is very wrong.

Anyway, after my last Hypo phase I decided that the best thing to do would be for he and I to meet to take the whole 'fantasy' out of things and maybe we could resume just being friends.
I invited himself, his wife and son to our house for a weekend. And I have to say it went very well, we all got on great and it was a lovely weekend.

But of course it did the trick for both of us for a while and sobered things up.

Problem is, I still crave him when I am Hypo as I am now

I hate it so much because it affects my mood. He of course is still behaving and just being friends and very delicately thwarting my advances, and that just makes me feel low because I need to feel he wants me, it lifts me up.

I know it's wrong, I know Hubby should be the one to lift me up and make me feel special but I have no control over this.

So for the past two days all I have wanted is to hear this guys voice ( we game on a console almost every night ) I have tried so hard to just play it cool but if he makes the slightest nice comment my heart starts to race and I want him .

I hate myself for this. My husband of course is aware of what has happened in the past but to save his feelings I have pretended that since we met I have no feelings for him and most of the time I don't.... until the Hypo kicks in.

Our lives are so entwined now ( me being friends with his wife, and the boys being friends ) that I can't walk away. I'm honestly not sure what I would do if he wasnt my distraction when I am hypo ( in the past when he and I werent talking and I was hypo I used going on cam with total strangers etc to satiate my needs ) so I see him as the safe option.

I guess I'm just writing all this because I am hoping you folks will understand and not judge me and hopefully help me get through this without doing anything stupid.

Its the most awful feeling in the world because I want him so bad I feel like .... ugh hard to explain but my whole body aches for him when I am Hypo and I just want to hear his voice.

the insanity of all of this is that this guy is a complete and utter **** !

He has upset me more times than I can count, he is totally self absorbed most of the time, and could care less about my mental health propblems. To him I am a trophy that he wants to earn.

He talks to me in a condescending manner most of the time. I have to 'act' all dumb and helpless because it makes him feel good to help me out etc.

why ? why the hell is this guy my go to person when I am Hypo. He doesnt deserve my attention in any way yet time and again I make a complete fool of myself throwing myself at his feet.

I am really struggling atm between the fact that I am not getting the attention I need and how to get his attention.

God I really am the epitome of diversity !