Hi everyone. I know I'm not the only person going through estrangement and I guess I've reached a point where I want an outsider's opinion on how to deal with it. This is my first post and a little nerve wracking for me so my apologies if I ramble.

To start, I'm 24 and have been living on the opposite coast of my mother since I graduated college two years ago. I have no other family beside her, my father was never a part of my life and my grandparents passed when I was in college. There's a whole mess more to my family but I think the only relevance to it now is that I don't have anyone but my mother and vice versa. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for the better part of my life since my teen years - tried different meds, therapists, and exercise and settled on trying to manage it on my own since I graduated. Anyway, the past two years my depression seems to have gotten worse without therapy. Got stuck in a dead end job that paid far less than I was hoping when after four years of busting my hump at a pretty reputable school. Was going to go to an arts school in California but was persuaded not to by my mother - who persuaded me out of a major that I loved in college - and so on and so on. My mother has always been pretty good at persuading me not to do things that she didn't agree with.

I moved back home this past December because my mother had had surgery and my depression seemed to be getting worse, so I figured I'd head home for a bit to recuperate and help out. So, I quit my job with no other job planned out and moved home. I had three panic attacks the first week I was home. I had never been honest with my mother about my anxiety until I told her why I was moving home - worried about being so far from her and my childhood friends - and when I had an attack in a Costco it was a bit unsettling for her. My mother had also offered to help me with a small amount of debt as well as the costs associated with breaking my lease so I could stay home and get my mental health figured out. She seemed to be trying to understand what I was going through but constantly would talk to me about how her father - who she was estranged from until his death - would threaten suicide. Every time I tried to tell her about me, somehow we were talking about her pain. It reached a head when I got hit by one of the worst waves of depression that I've ever had and thought about admitting myself to the hospital. I was home, my mother was sleeping, but I didn't feel like I could talk to her. A friend of mine talked me down, I went to sleep, and woke up a little better but with the realization that I really needed to change my (lack of) routine. That day I spent the day with the friend who had helped me, he took my to lunch and put put and all those nice things that managed to keep me so far removed from the horror from the night before. I got home to find my mother screaming at someone on the phone - drama with my old apartment that I had resolved days before and had told her about (she has always had issues paying complete attention which only seems worse after this surgery). I sat outside until she calmed down and tried to explain to her in as calm a voice as I could what had happened, that I had handled it, and that if she didn't want to help me I could handle it myself because I didn't want it to threaten our relationship. It was the most calm and straightforward I had ever been with my mother. Needless, she flipped, sat down and refused to look at me and began to talk passive aggressively about how I took advantage of her but she'd help me because that's what she does. It was very rude and degrading and something in me just flipped. I have only ever yelled at someone once in my life, but there I was just furious. I told her I couldn't stand the passive aggressive behavior any more, that it wasn't good for my mental health, that I needed to leave if I was going to keep myself safe - she got cruel, told me I was being an idiot, and so on - and then I just got mean and told her that I couldn't talk to her about anything and cited the previous night. I realized later after I had calmed down that I was doing exactly what her father had done to her which I feel terrible about. She stormed out after I told her I was still going to leave to get some space. I packed, got my dog, and drove to the nearest hotel.

I have since apologized in a handful of essay-long e-mails asking for forgiveness and understanding. I've tried calling and received texts back saying she didn't want to speak to me. She sent me a message telling me she didn't agree with anything I was doing and that I didn't know how to take care of myself. Another friend called me to tell her she had called her and said she didn't want to speak to me. Without a job and only so much money to live off of, I moved back to my college town because I have more contacts here. I called her to tell her I was traveling and she only told me I broke her heart and hung up. We have not spoken since. It has been over a month and I'm not sure what to do. A part of me feels empowered as if I escaped something that was holding me back, but a larger part of me feels like I screwed up royally, that I ruined our relationship and can't repair it but I'm still too hurt to make any more effort to call her again. I don't want to talk to her, but I don't want to be family-less for the rest of my life. I don't feel like she's every made any effort to actually know me as an adult and I want her to try to, but I don't know what else to do to make her see that.

As for the depression, I think so much of me is still pretty full of the adrenaline rush of trying to find a job and stay afloat that it doesn't seem as scary. My friends up here who I haven't seen in two years have been helpful but there still feels like something is missing. I can't afford therapy right now. I've only had one panic attack since I left. Things feel dire but eerily calm. So, I guess I'm asking for advice on how to find help, how to build a support system for myself that doesn't require blood relation, on how to deal with this estrangement, on how to forgive myself, and so on. Any advice or suggestions are appreciated. Thank you all.