Can anyone give me advice. I am having so many anxiety attacks over going to Texas to see family. I don't feel I have any choices because I am the oldest and everyone expects me to be there. I have tried to find a way to forgive but I just cannot do it. My mother (which I do not like to even say) is now in Texas and I don't understand why there's so much pressure for me to be there for her birthday. She has never done anything for any of us and she was involved in the trauma of our life. But since I went into treatment, everyone expects me to forgive and act like nothing ever happened. I get so upset everytime I go but something inside me feels so responsible for everyone and it is killing me. I cannot calm down and it is causing havic in my system. It feels as though I am going crasy inside and I can't see for all the turmoil. Everything seems so out of control and I am scared to death. I feel like someone else is taking over and there's nothing I can do about it. I am so angry that I cannot be okay unless I meet everyone's expectations. I don't understand myself and I keep crying. I cannot sit still for very long. Just seems like I have to keep going. I feel cold and shakey that I cannot get control. I feel like I have no choices. I don't want a mother!!!!!!!! I keep saying that I am giving up my family but everytime they call I feel trapped just like when I was a child. And I go back to that state where I had no control. Last time I went, something was put in my drink and I felt drugged. I could not get away. I feel scared and unable to say no. I don't know if anyone can even understand what I am saying or if it even makes any sense, but I am really scare.