Yesterday was a very painful day. Lost some hours somewhere along the way. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to get through.

I emailed T in the morning yesterday saying that i hate that I was doing that, emailing her, but the pain was so bad. I got reply this morning before todays session. She had replied last night but I never got to check my E's until this morning, She sais she would have got back to me sooner yesterday but was out and she understood that last weeks "gap" had triggered off feelings that would finding the "gap" in sessions this week hard to handle and that I am finding it hard to see that "we" do exist between sessions.

I still can't get my head around "we do exist between sessions" so today I went to my session and asked her what does that mean? T said well "She holds in my mind our ongoing work together and I hold in my mind our work together, and that I can rely on her being there if needed"

Yuh I get that a bit more, so then I dared to ask "Do you remember me when i'm not here? and she replied yes. SO then I asked, will you remember me when therapy is over?" she again replied yes. I then said maybe shes just saying that? she replied why would I say that?

I guess I don't have faith in things like other people really caring. I then said why am I in therapy? I feel your making a scratch into a cut. T said that the cut was already there, just repressed and before therapy I had smoothed it with alcohol.

I guess I had to uphold that line of thought. Yes my life was pretty bad before therapy. I then said my life when growing up wasn't all awful. T said no I doubt it was. Then I said if you had been there then it would have been different. T said "yes" and what your feeling now is the loss of everything you didnt have. You are in mourning allowing yourself to feel the pain of everything that was missing.

I told her how when I first stopped drinking I use to tell myself when I'm old and lonely I will drink again. But yesterday I told myself when I'm old and lonely I will end it all. Then the thought hit me! what if I'm not lonely in the future? What if its how lonely I once was that I am REMEMBERING! yes this is whats going on for me now. I am remembering things and feeling the feelings NOW!.

With this knowledge I can carry on! I can do this! I will sit with myself until the pain of mourning is over. Oh if we had felt these feelings when little how would we have survived? Way to much for a child to handle! I will do it for the child today.