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Hi. I'm Grindstone and I think I'm glad to find an online bipolar home. I say "I think I am" because I'm already overloaded and overwhelmed. I'm not sure adding one more item to my To Do list won't send me right over the edge, but my gut's telling me this is the place I need to be and it scares the h**l out of me. I need to simplify my life and have a launch pad and landing pad every day to stay grounded. I become so quickly overwhelmed with 'options' in every aspect of my life, I often paralyzed. When I do make a decision regarding how to manage one aspect of my life, I feel 'guilty' and 'less than' for not choosing another option--as if I'm not entitled to simplicity and decisiveness.
It will take me many posts, I'm sure, to share my situation, so I'll begin in summary format:
1. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2007.
2. I was diagnosed with OCD and depression in 1991.
3. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2013.
4. I had PTSD from the time I was 9 until my late 30s (I'm now 51).
5. I experienced a lot of violence in my family of origin and in junior high and high school.
6. I have been the main source of income for my family since my husband lost his HR job with one of the Big Three in 2008. As a contractor in this economy, I'm constantly being laid off and having to look for work.
7. I have a 10.5 year old daughter (my husband and I married late in life).
8. I'm a recent survivor of brain cancer.
9. My husband's sisters and many members of his family hate me and constantly cause drama. They live nearby, and they're a large Filipino family. I'm English and Sicilian. I told my husband either I'm divorcing him or I'm divorcing his family. He completely supports me divorcing his family.
10. I grew up in the 12 Steps of Recovery. For many years I thought I may be an alcoholic only to discover I'm addicted to food. Not sure at this point whether to focus on the bipolar recovery or the food addiction recovery (or both).
11. I need to find another job, exercise, study for and pass a professional examination, take care of my family, manage my bipolar, etc. No wonder I'm stressed!
12. I recently made the decision not to promise my family anything on the weekends. Weekends are for me to take of me. If I'm up to participating in family activities outside the home I will. If not, too bad. Deal with it.
13. I resent having so much stress and responsibility on my shoulders even though my husband is a huge support. He travels 1 hour each way to work on an automotive line to provide us with excellent benefits. He handles homework with our daughter and extracurricular activities. When I’m working, he plans the meals and does the grocery shopping. I’m truly blessed in this regard.
I’ve read many of your posts and I applaud your honesty and victories. You guys keep it real but also focus on the solution, not just the problem.
Thanks for allowing me to ‘vent’.
God bless,
Grindstone
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