I'm eighteen, and for most of my high school career I've felt as if I've been depressed. I usually brush it off because 1) I don't exhibit some of the more serious symptoms and 2) I sometimes feel like I'm blaming my own shortcomings on depression, that I'm just making excuses for myself.

Every once in a while, whether I'm allowing the feelings that have been stuck inside me to surface or if they just appear sporadically, I'll begin to seek out help and guidance for something that seems to take over much of my life.

Almost every time I eat, I can't stop eating until I'm sickeningly full, but I take ballet so I haven't gained much weight from it. It makes me feel weak and out of control and terribly sluggish.

I don't enjoy conversations, especially vapid ones with people my own age or older, unless I've been drinking.

I look back at the past few years, and I honestly am floored by the number of times I've gotten myself out of bed. I usually have to imagine eating breakfast before I can drag myself up.

Showers seem dramatically tortuous; I'll think of having to get in, rush around to clean up before the water gets cold, put on lotion, brush out my tangly hair, dry it, put on make up, pick out an outfit... but I just feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion. Sometimes I'll find myself going through the morning ritual whilst sobbing uncontrollably, telling myself out loud to suck it up, taking deep breaths. Sometimes I can't do it so I skimp on the shower and feel gross throughout the day.

I got really excited about starting meditation; I only kept it up for three days. I used to love learning songs on the guitar, but I now get frustrated after ten minutes of trying. It's been hanging on my wall unused for months. I can't read anymore; I have at least three books that I absolutely loved that I then left unfinished halfway through. I don't know why.

I only applied for one college, and I didn't even send all of my paperwork in on time, so I may not even be accepted (even though I have a 35 on my ACT and am a National Merit Semi-Finalist). I just can't bring myself to care enough. College just seems like a larger, more difficult, more lonely version of high school.

I feel guilty almost everyday for the amount of privilege that has been placed in my meager body- I was born intelligent, white, of average attractiveness. I just want to give it all away sometimes, which makes me feel even MORE guilty because of how appreciative I should be.

I don't know if I had a question at all... I'm just tired of these feelings resurfacing, and I suppose I wanted to share the burden a bit. I've tried a few counselors, but they haven't helped. I suppose all I can do is to keep looking.

Thanks to anyone who cared to read this c: