Dear Sir: I am going through much the same as you. My wife of 50 years now told me before we were married that she was not a virgin. I loved her and wanted to marry her anyway, and told her so. After our marriage I asked her more about the loss of her virginity, and she confessed after I had guessed several persons it might have been, that it was a cousin she had lived with for a couple of years after she was orphaned. I know she must have been depressed having lost her parents at an early age, and I have been able to handle the thoughts of it for years, but for so me reason it has started bothering me a lot the last few years as our sex lives have slowed down due to age and physical ability. I too had visions often of her having sex with this cousin that would interfere with me enjoying sex with her. Since our libidos were quite distant (mine much greater than hers), it caused me to feel she didn't enjoy sex with me, didn't love me, and any number of things a person of low self esteem might be concerned with. I still fight these things on practically a daily basis. I love her, don't want to leave her, and don't like bringing it up to her, but I don't think I have ever gotten the answers to the questions my mind wants to know. I just wanted to let you know there are others having similar problems to yours, and that's why I'm here too. I want to find out what I should do next.
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Originally Posted by Mywifeshusband
long story short:
I've been married for about 5 months.
my wife has 2 older sisters, a twin brother, and a younger brother and sister.
They never went to school, their father sheltered them from the outside world for religious reasons. He tried to homeschool them but he failed miserably. few reached high school level, and none of them completed.
Her father used to beat them excessively when they were kids, and later their mother disappeared leaving them all with the father. Basically her whole family is dysfunctional.
Basically it was her and her siblings against the world.
before we got married she told me about being abused by men as a child. But the other day I came home from work and she seemed a little "out of it"
She said she felt bad because she wasn't honest about what had happened to her.
First she told me that those things never happened to her. But then.....
She was scared to tell me, but she opened up about her oldest sister doing sex acts on her and her second oldest sister starting when they were very little. Then she told me how her second oldest sister used to force her to do the same things to her.
then she said: "it happened to everyone, and they are all messed up and I feel so bad"
After long hours of discussion it basically came out that these inappropriate sexual sexual behaviors had basically infected all of her siblings and that she may have been responsible for abusing her younger siblings.
She has a lot of blackouts and thinks that she doesn't remember but more and more things are coming out.
Aside from being molested by her older sisters, I know that she had had repeated sexual contact with her twin brother, and full blown sex with her youngest brother. She may have abused her youngest sister in the same way her sisters abused her.
These behaviors were happening among her siblings without her. I know that her twin brother abused their little sister and I know her older sisters were having sex with each other first and she got "initiated" into it.
All of this was happening over a span of years and basically all of her siblings were doing horrible things with each other.
She remembers things happening to her when she was like 6 years old and things continued to happen she thinks until she was twelve. Maybe thirteen according to her.
At some point it all just stopped and no one ever talked about it. She says it is like it never happened.
But when I asked about how her little brother would have been capable of having full blown sex when she was 12 she started crying. so I am really afraid that more details are going to come out. She swears they were just kids, but I can't imagine an 8 year old boy being capable of having sex. particularly because she says it was completely mutual.
basically I'm completely devastated to hear all this. We are getting help, but resources are limited .
I cant look at her siblings the same way. I want to ask her to never talk to them again. But I know that is irrational.
And although I thought that I would be disgusted by my wife I am not. That being said I am having a very hard time being attracted to her sexually. she was standing in the kitchen in her underwear the next day, and I was looking at her like she was a child or something. Not the way I usually look at her. I still love her and want to protect her but I am afraid that this information is going to kill our love life.
I want to trust her and be there for her, but if I find out that she was having sex with her brothers or sister into and through her teen years I don't know if I am going to be able to handle it.
at this point I am able to relate to my own pre-pubescent sexual exploration when considering her situation. I know that her older sisters abused her and that she was sheltered and unable to watch TV or interact with other children. Her parents NEVER discussed sex or sexual health or reproduction or sexuality with any of them..... So she was basically just doing what was done to her. But I am only able to accept it mentally if it was adolescent and exploratory in nature. Albeit extreme.
I don't want to admit it but if I find out that she was having mature sexual relationships with her brothers.... Beyond adolescence. I don't think I will be able to stomach it.
I don't know if I can deal with it if she was satisfying real lust towards her brothers.
I can't. It's too far gone.
It falls into the same category as animals in my mind. It's just unthinkable.
Help me help her.
Help us.
I'm not doing well.
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