well you admit you are messed up so obviously something is wrong, but it sounds like your current course of therapy and meds isn't treating it correctly. obviously your treatment providers aren't listening to your needs. things are likely to get worse if you get out of they system. you need to find someone who is going to take the time to listen to you and treat your symptoms, not try to medicate you to death. check around and see if you can find someone who will really address your needs. take care.