Hello all,

I have been perusing the posts on this forum for the past couple of hours and already feel assured that in fact, I am NOT the only one who struggles with the things I do. It seems like there's a lot of knowledgeable and experienced people here and I am really hoping someone can give me a few quick tips, because I'm really feeling scared.

As I would guess most of us do, I have a long and storied history with depression and anxiety, started on meds (Zoloft) for the first time at the age of 26 and it was literally life-changing. Since then have gone through various up and downswings and currently at age 38 am experiencing a down period. I am currently on Zoloft as well as Atavan for occasional panic attacks--only take the Atavan as needed, every other day or so. I have tried other meds in the past with either no results, allergy (Lamictal) or bad, bad reaction (Cymbalta).

I am working full-time and shockingly am able to get to show up and get to work and meetings....and that's pretty much it. Fortunately my job is such that I am able (for now!!!) to get by with minimal effort and not raise concerns. However I do not enjoy the feeling that I know I'm not doing the best I can, and that exacerbates my anxiety. I get dressed, put makeup on, look normal, and show up at my desk. The rest of my day I spend spaced out, mindlessly surfing the internet, and plotting how early I can justify leaving the office. If I work from home I sit with my laptop on my sofa doing pretty much the same thing.

Nothing makes me happy. I don't get excited about anything any more. I don't look forward to anything. The majority of the day I feel "blah", with occasional bursts of overwhelming panic and distress that I can't pinpoint, and I cry uncontrollably. I have a few good, really good friends, who I have kept at arms' length over the past six months because I don't want to let them know what's going on--I can't even articulate it to them. The one person I can really talk to openly about my daily struggles is my sister, who is a school counselor so has some experience with mental health issues. Sometimes the time I spend with her is the only solace in my day. My parents are concerned but are standing off to the side, having let me know that they love me and they are here for me. But I think they just honestly don't know what to do any more. This is the fifth or sixth time they've seen me in this type of state.

I'm seeing a therapist who I absolutely adore but in all honestly I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it other than a lot of interesting conversation. I wish he or someone else could tell me exactly what to do. What my PLAN should be. Like, do 10 jumping jacks, take 2 multivitamins, consume only 1000 calories a day, drink V-8 juice before bed, and walk three miles.

So that's what I'm here asking about. A PLAN. I need something, fast, to keep me from feeling so. darn. crummy. I feel like I'm sick with strep throat or the flu or something, but it's in my heart and head. I'm just floating along, existing. Not enjoying the many good things I have in my life. Not making the best out of what I have. Just getting by and trying to figure out how to pass the hours that I'm awake.

Are you familiar with any books, blog posts, articles, anything, that offer a "quick start" guide on how to get the heck out of this kind of depression?

I've read some about ketamine as a new drug that is being tested but I'm wary because it sounds like it only helps short-term. However.....I'd take short-term at this point just to snap me out of this awful, awful feeling.

Sorry for the long post and I'm sure there's more context I could have provided but there's just so much and I don't know how much is too much information.

ANY assistance or ideas are much, much appreciated. I hope you're all doing as well as you can be out there tonight.

--Jess