I have no one else to tell so I thought I'd sit and tell you guys...

I'm tired of being tired and fed up with life. I'm so exhausted about trying to be well mannered and nice and controlled. I am losing control but whenever I tell anyone they don't believe me... Until is becomes a crisis it isn't happening.

I have no ways to stopping it once it starts; I'm always gambling with my mind. Will it be a good day? Will I be able to think? Will I do well on this test or not?

I want to just sit down and cry and ask someone what to do. No one really does know what to do. I can talk to my teachers but what are they going to say?! What is anyone going to say.

I don't understand why this whole thing is so personal! I am always so worried about how I tell or share things with. I won't go in and talk to the councilor and I know it's stupid because she's more then happy to help me. I'll instead go talk to my teachers.

She just tells me that she doesn't have the answers. But does anyone? Does anyone but me? Just get up and be better. Just make it stop and stand up for yourself.

How do I stand up and face my mind?! I can't. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting and people trying to help me. I hate saying stupid depressed hopeless things and having them stuck there listening. I want to be fun happy hypomanic all the time. Without the anxiety and the anger and the fear.

I don't know... I just don't know!!!

I wish someone would just tell me it'd be alright and hold me tight... but that's impossible because I would never let myself be that open. I'm so scared of tomorrow and what will happen...

most of all... I'm just...
scared of me.

Thanks,

Lillyleaf