I have an ugly personality, and I can't stand it. I'm trying to figure out a way to stick all my scattered thoughts together to create a coherent post.

I've struggled with depression since I was 11 or 12, seems really young, but looking back I realize that was the beginning. I'm 15 now (not sure if there's an age limit here). I've just gotten uglier and uglier over the past years. When I was a little girl I was super happy, and I had the best relationship with my mother possible. But now I'm ruining it. Not just with her, with everyone. People tell me to open up and "be myself" but I hate who I am. I'm always trying to recreate myself, but it never works.

Last night my mom called me selfish, cowardly, lazy, unappreciative, and revolting. And honestly, I have to agree. I'm terrible to her. I'm tired and irritable all the time, and even though I love her, I always snap and yell at her.

I feel like everyone would just be better off without me. I don't impact anyone's life positively enough for anything I do to be worth it. I get ****** grades, hurt everyone close to me, smoke too much pot, self harm, and probably have some kind of eating disorder. Anything good about me is disappearing.

And while everyone around me has a future, I just see bleak nothingness in front of me. I'm into art. Great, except that most artists never make it. I'm stupid in almost all my other subjects, can hardly do eighth grade math like finding slope. Nothing makes me happy, except sleeping, if that counts. There doesn't seem to be anything (or anyone, for that matter) out there for me.

I'm sorry if it seems like I have a pissy 'poor me' attitude. I just really need to vent. A couple years ago I told my friends that I cut and some other problems i have, and they laughed at me, so I don't really feel safe talking to anyone about this kind of stuff. I'm afraid it'll seem like I'm complaining.

Thanks in advance to anyone that replies. I guess I'm just looking for help, or advice, or anything, if it matters.