Just woke up, having that horrible twisting feeling in my chest which means I'm probably going into the phase where I stop eating. I'll look great by the end but it's obviously unhealthy and it's the most painful part. Had disturbing thoughts before I fell asleep last night, which I'm afraid of because this time involves a new... exit scenario... That does not immediately put me off. I had always refrained from any attemts before out of sheer fear, but now it doesn't seem so scary anymore, not the way I'm envisioning it at least. That has to be a really bad sign.

Taking 6mg of lexotanil to calm down so that I can sleep. Still on 10mg of lexapro but I think it's not working this time. Finally convinced my parents that I need to go back to the T. I'm making the call today to set up an appointment ASAP, and I'm really looking forward to it. I reconnected with a girlfriend last night, and after sobbing for an hour she told me that we would meet up this afternoon. I'll probably cry my eyes out but at least I'll get to talk to someone, so that's another thing to look forward to.

My parents think that I get this way because I make bad choices with my relationships, which is quite true but it barely scratches the surface. Both times I was already pretty ****ed up beforehand. The break up is just the last string that broke, if you know what I mean.

Right now I'm looking for a way to mitigate the obsessive thoughts until I can go to the T. Thinking of doing ten push-ups or another quick excercize every time thoughts of the break up pop into my head. That means I'll probably be exhausted by the end of the day, since I can't get really fixated on the issue. I have a few errands to do today, and I really should get moving on the grad school thing, but I know that if I have that damn thought in my head all day it will be really hard to concentrate.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with myself for now? Meditation, medication, talking..... Something to fill the time gap until I can see my T.