Because you want to be part of his life, and you want him to have the best life possible. I know that you don't want him to be scared of you - and if he's scared of you while you are on meds, then yes, those meds aren't working for you and you need a change in them. But going back to nothing, where you'll be even more sporadic, isn't going to help anyone. And it's kind of your job as a parent to provide your son with the best life you can - and going med-free isn't a good choice for that. It's your responsibility to take care of him, and that involves taking care of you.

I get not wanting to take meds or deal with the bulls***. But shouldn't you wait to make that decision until you've been stable for a long-time running? I know that recently you were having trouble following you and your H's procedures, and if you're struggling with that then think about how much more you are going to struggle without anything at all?

Your team needs to find meds that work, since these ones aren't helping you nearly enough. That's certain.