I was not loved. By the time I was five years old I would bite myself I hated myself even then.
Mother told me I was ugly, fat, stupid, that I would never have any friends, no one would ever like me. She told me 'I was to be put in a home'
Mother told me I smelt, I would bath and scrub myself, and scrub myself again, but I still smelt. Mother told me not to stand anywhere near her because my 'breath stank'. Convinced I smelt bad I didn't like anyone coming near me, I felt embarrassed they would smell me.
Mother said she 'wouldn't touch me with a barge pole'.
Mother told me if I was in the same room as her that 'She felt sick'.
By the time I was seven I decided I wanted to go in a home. I was only seven so I wasn't sure what 'a home' was but I was sure it would be better than living with my 'parents'.
I was 11 when she went to stab me with a carving knife. "I HATE YOU, I want to stab you through" she said.
I was broken.
I was shy, silent, anxious, withdrawn. I suffered with crippling depression, social phobia and OCD
I had no self esteem whatsoever (I have worked on that and feel much better)
I was not beaten, I was not starved, not physically. But emotionally? Yes.
I hate her because I will never be who I should have been.
I never understood why mother hated me so much. One day on the internet I read about narcissistic mothers. Mother ticked the boxes.