Hi Skyral,

Welcome! When I was 15 I felt like you. I felt terrible. There is something about adolescental development that comes with extreme psychological pain, impulses, etc. But I am not sure about your case in particular.

BTW, your insightful message reminded me an episode of my life when I was 15: there was this girl at the school. She was younger than me, she was an excellent student and had a rare beauty. She was a fashion model being only 14 (at that time it was not that common as now). I did not like her much (I guess it was envy as I was not feeling well about myself).

One day, she had to do some performance at school and I had to make up and dress her. Then, I got to know and like her better. She had great plans and all calculated. I saw her as somebody accomplished and with a brilliant future. I wondered how some people could be that successful that early. I compared myself to her. Her successful image was particular relevant to those moments when I used to trash myself and feel miserable.

But one day she had a car accident. She was with her family in a car, his dad was driving. They all were going to a show she need to perform in. Her legs where smashed so doctors had to cut her legs. As she had another body organs affected, she could not survive. I went to her wake. I could talk to her mom and her sister. You cannot imagine the desolation of those people. It was a wake-up call for me about the fragility of life. She and all her perfection, and her promising future, were gone in a second.

I read that as human beings, our tendency is to compare ourselves with others—over and over again. Demoralizing and useless as it is, we keep doing it. I do not know why I engaged in such mental activity? It did not make me feel better, it did not motivate me to excel, either. The "ideal" girl was gone.

What’s that mental comparison thing you do ever done for you?

I don't have a lot of advice about your behavior but I would like to invite you to say: “Enough!” Let’s stop mentally assessing your worth by comparing it to others.

You are worthy, Skyral.

(PS: Also, I had a car accident two years later, but that is another story)