All I can think to say is that I feel so much like you, despite living halfway around the world in a completely different reality. It's uncanny, really, how much we seek to find meaning in our lives... as if a defined purpose would be reason enough to toil onward. I don't have a helpful anecdote to give you as I'm still waiting for my own 'aha' moment, but I do know that I joined this community in hopes that other people could encourage me to not give up. Just keep swimming.