Thank you everyone. It's awful knowing others know exactly what this pain is like, but reassuring at the same time that I'm not alone in this.

My panic attacks and violent shaking are only ever triggered by the closest people in my life. I don't want to give them that power, and I want to do away with them (even if it means losing out on something great), but I can't.

I think one of the worst things is the anticipation of when I'll ruin another friendship. It's not a matter of "if" I'll do it, it's a matter of "how" and "when." I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I want to push people away, but desperately want them to want to be close to me at the same time.