To make a super long story short. I'm Married and have a child. All of my adult life (since after high school) I've identified as Bisexual. And I meant it, It wasn't me trying to deny the fact that I was gay, or soften the blow...I really thought that is what I "was" (as if labels are really necessary) Over the years I've realized that yes , I'm attracted to (some men) on a personality basis...I've never felt fufilled being with them sexually. Women , on the other hand... I've been very receptive to sexually.

When I got Married , I truly did care about him. We had a lot of fun together...the sex was always just kinda "ehh" but I thought maybe that didn't matter. Well, it does matter...it matters a lot. Over the last few years I've found myself really longing to be with a woman, sexual wise and relationship wise. I'd see lesbian couples out (and even friends) and I would feel jealous...like they were lucky. Recently, it's come to the point where it really consumes my mind , and I have this dreadful feeling of living the wrong life.

My Therapist is a Lesbian. It's not hard to figure out by her appearance. While I know you can't always judge a book by it's cover...it's pretty clear. Even today, when we talked about it ...she blatantly exclaimed "Well, I look like a Dyke". Anyway, I've found it much easier to talk to her about these things...given my geographical location, and also the situation I'm in (hello, I'm Married to a Man) it's not something that comes up a lot in conversation. I told her I was bisexual a while back...she said she wasn't surprised at all. I've recently hinted that I really feel like I'm only attracted to women , and that I'm a bit confused...and today, in the beginning of the session...I said it. I forget the exact words I used ...but it all led to me saying "I'm ya know, Gay...really Gay" I've said it to myself numerous times, but this is the first time I have actually sat in front of someone and said it out loud, in a very matter of fact way. She just looked at me and shook her head in an understanding way. I sat there and beamed. Seriously, I has a smile from ear to ear...and she noticed it. She smiled at me and said "That's a pretty big smile you've got going there.." I just kept smiling. She said "Your shoulders look a lot lighter" I laughed. We then continued to talk about My Marriage (which I'm planning on addressing when I can) custody of my child...the chances of me finding a partner, being that I already have a child (she says there are lots of Woman who are either Married, or in a committed relationship with a woman that has a child). We also talked a lot about the fact that I didn't say this until the age I am now. While I admitted to being bisexual, I never had to go through the "coming out" stage when I was in my teens. Not as a lesbian , anyway. She doesn't think there is a problem with that...that all people do it in their own time, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I still feel weird that it took me this long to "realize" and I guess that's something I need to get over.

I have a lot of HUGE changes in front of me. I'll have to eventually tell my Husband and My family...my friends...basically start a new. One thing she said to me was "You really seem like you want to tell people" (and I do) "That's a really positive thing , and it shows that you're confident in the way you feel"...She's right I suppose. I just want to be authentic...I want to be happy...life is way too short to be anything but yourself.

As the session was ending...she said that the way I was able to say that was "wickedly awesome" and "Way to rock the 'coming out'" She had a big grin on her face...It made me feel very comfortable. I left the session feeling great...and more free. Tonight I feel a bit conflicted, but I believe that it's more about everything that now lies in front of me. Life can be scary no matter what the situation...and this is a huge deal.