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Originally Posted by torbleh
Well, I guess you're pretty much right: Sometimes she is making things even worse! But since she is my first girlfriend (I had some kind of relationship before, but... I would have never really called her my girlfriend, so...) I always thought a relationship is making things (life) much more complicated. She might sometimes bring me closer to suicide than I would normally be (cause kicking on somebody who's laying on the ground is never a good idea), but nobody should ever forget that she is the only person who could make me laugh. Even if she doesn't do that often she could. I'm having great times with her and it looks like I can make her happy. This gives me some kind of sense in my life which wouldn't be there without her. I'm not saying that I would instantly kill myself if she wouldn't be there, but it's a lot easier now to get away from bad thoughts if you know that somebody would be missing you. That might only help a very little bit, but... You know what I mean, right?
I'm not sure if speaking to her is such a great idea. I don't want to get her angry or something, because at the end I would just be the bad guy. Again.
Are you sure that I should Start talking to her about me again? Wouldn't that just be messing around?
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Torbleh, I understand what you mean- she sounds really important to you and I only hope she isn't only hurting you. Bringing up your emotions in a relationship should never end up with you looking like a bad guy. You are 50% of the relationship, it should never just be her needs over your own. Your partner should be someone you love, care for and can share anything with- someone who is willing to go through anything for you because they know you will do the same.
I'm not suggesting you go by her house one day and say "Hey, let's talk about my depression right now." It's something that takes a little time, a little working up to. Maybe during a good evening you'll turn to her and say " We need to talk... I care for you very much- you are the only person that makes me smile- makes me feel wanted...you've very important to me, that's why I want you to know about my problems...." maybe you shouldn't go into detail, but you should let her know that you have depression- it is the reason you react and act the way you do, that you want her to know this so that she can understand your actions. It's not something you can flick on or off. If you don't take time to explain it to her when you're clear, it will be impossible when you are down and she'll have no time to register what is happening.
Another thing, suicide is incomprehensible to some people. They don't understand why someone would do something like that, even though it seems like the only escape to us. It's a scary idea, that seems selfish- don't pressure her by saying things like "You are the reason I live," but be more clear, "I care very much about you, you help me feel value." Bringing up suicide, may make her feel like you're threatening her, or that you don't care enough about her to live, so she may lash out at you. Your relationship is still very young, and it will take more time to know about each other before it can work into a healthy thing.
You cannot detach from your depression, you cannot grow away from it, but you can live with it- you can find ways to be happy and you deserve them. Remember this, it is a part of you, you cannot live without- but if she is causing more harm than she is good, you have no chance, you can't go on living your life with her, but you can live without her. I hope this helps. If you need to talk more personally, maybe vent about your depression to someone that will listen, you can send me a private message. Much love to you, Torbleh.