You've been reading up on different techniques, haven't you? You brought some somatic processing principles in today, which was a nice change. I wish I had been more prepared for it and more comfortable describing what was going on in my body. It probably would have been more effective. Maybe next time, huh?

Also, are you sure you won't ever kick me out? Because I might just stay forever if it's up to me when I leave. I don't think you would mind that, but I'm just letting you know... I always assumed that when we were done, we'd be done, but it's reassuring to know I will be able to contact you in the future whenever I want or need to. I wonder if that means if I ever find a guy to marry, you'd go to my wedding. I think you might. Consider this an invite whenever that finally happens in my life.

Lots of emotions today, too. I felt very exposed. I also feel a little bad for telling you I think your care has limits. I just can't imagine that yours (or anyone's) care is permanent and unconditional. It's very hard for me to accept that. You didn't seem bothered, though, and I think you expected me to have that answer, or something similar. Have you figured out that my texts are, in part, me trying to remind myself that you really are available and consistent? I had hoped you might put those pieces together so that I didn't have to spell it out. I'm not normally attention-seeking and it's a little embarrassing that I am acting so needy and clingy. Yet sometimes I run in the complete opposite direction and try to put as much emotional ground between us as possible. I'm basically a train wreck just waiting to happen in that regard.

I think I really saw, for the first time today, exactly how much you have invested in me. You genuinely do care, both about what I have been through, and about me now. You even said you see me in your mind's eye as a child and would love to have scooped me up in your arms and held me and listened to me. I had to really fight back tears, because I didn't realize until that moment that you actually cared about her, not just about me now. I do think you feel what I felt and are there with me, in my memories.

It took you 9 years to trust your T when you were in therapy?!? That makes me feel a little better about the snail's pace I've been going. I don't think it will take me 9 years (I hope!), so that's good.

Pretty much, just thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. You said I can't buy your care, and I really don't think I have to. I will try to hold onto this feeling of connection, but I can't guarantee it will last more than 24 hours. But I will try, before swinging back over to hating myself and assuming you do, too.