I have a spouse who has a 14 year history of financial irresponsibility and anti-social behaviors.

This is a complex problem for me because I have fought to get therapy for myself and am coping well with my own dysfunctional patterns. Tonight he was in a mood to pick a fight and slam furniture around because I go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why but this is a pattern : ( I go for help he goes off his rocker lol Tonight he seems to be upset that I might be saying things about him in therapy ... well, duh. But I explained that I own myself and I take full responsibility for my choices as an adult and one of those choices is to get the help I need so I know what is real and what isn't.

Here is what I am certain of about my spouse:
He feels no empathy for others, with the exception of his own child. We live in the city he was born in. His brother and family live minutes from us in the connected city, his sister lives 20 minutes from us upriver, his mother lives even closer, still in the house he grew up in and his child lives 7 blocks away with her husband. 7 blocks!
In 14 years I have met his family members less than 10 times. I thought his divorce was an issue with his daughter .. but I think its more than that. I know its more than that.
One of his nephews works at a tire place in this same city and my husband printed out the "employee of the month" photo of him from online and acts like its a family photo.
He sees his daughter and her husband 2 maybe 3 times a year. This is usually restricted to his birthday, her birthday and Christmas.
He regularly talks to his daughter on the phone (so he claims) ... but no other family members.
One incident that bothered me horribly was one day we were in PetSmart and the checker was his niece. He mentioned this after we left ... I was shocked that they hadn't so much as said "hello" to one another.
When I ask him about this all he will ever say is that they "drifted apart" over the years.
My experience: He doesn't seem to understand financial responsibility for himself. He readily admits to being selfish when confronted with facts but never seems to be able to control his spending.
He regularly fought with my child over possessions and attention until it seemed that the best thing was to send her to her dad's before she ran away. Her dad lives half way across the United States. Once my daughter left just mentioning her seemed to cause turmoil and when I was upset I would end up trying to not upset my husband who would be in worse shape because any time I fell apart he couldn't handle it. He has never mentioned her on his own. Not once has he ever asked or acknowledged her. Its as if she doesn't exist for him unless I mention her. He does not talk about his own daughter either (?) but tells me he talks to her on the phone all the time. The few times they are together the conversation centers on football and is very stilted ... much like a getting to know where you've been conversation rather than "hello, its me again."
He does not care for strangers or familiars. He often talks about the things we could have done socially if only he hadn't forgotten or if he hadn't thought I wouldn't want to go. A recurring pattern in our relationship has been "what could have been" if only..
Contrarily he is clearly uncomfortable in public situations. Awkward is the best way I can describe it. He is definitely paranoid and claims that he does not need friends or people to be happy in one sentence and claims to have enough friends and a great life in the next. He has ZERO friends, talks about co-workers as if they are his social group but never sees them outside of work. And often complains that they don't treat him well at work or try to undermine him and take advantage of him.
When at home or play he chooses activities that are further isolating. He watches a lot of TV and plays video games. Talking to him usually elicits a bored response, no response or worst case a "crisis" if I have concerns about something he has done that makes no sense to me. He has no tolerance for discussing anything to do with being married, sharing information or anything I might need.
He does find the time to shop for gadgets, gifts and toys for himself. LOL I kid you not. He can not manage money and there is always an excuse or someone else to blame. I call this magic money. He once took 10K out of my daughters college savings and claimed "the pen did it" .... That is not a joke. That is a quote.
He makes 100K a year and can't pay his taxes!(?) but can afford to shop for anything that catches his attention for a moment. He can't just buy one .. he must have the entire collection or the "very best" of everything.
So, yes I acknowledge that my marriage is toxic. But I keep circling back to is it worth sticking in there and trying to help him now that I have a plan to help myself?
With clear boundaries in place going forwards, which I have stated, he thinks he wants to "be there for me" but refuses to acknowledge that he never has been there for me.
I guess I'm stuck at feeling like a deserter if I don't bite and feeling like I can't trust him if I do. If he moves across the united states to be with me ... "to support me" in his words and he doesn't change his pattern of behavior I would feel awful for him. But I can see it coming : (
How can I convince him that he needs to get help or let me go without being harmful because the one thing he does understand is anything that personally disturbs his wants or needs. I appear to fulfill his whole need to never be alone. Even if I do nothing but work and sit and watch him watch tv. Especially if I do nothing but silently keep him company. Its a problem. One I'm not certain he understands. Little things I feel are outright cruel and beyond uncaring don't seem to register with him or always have a reason why... he's always bouncing from crisis to crisis and wants to be in it "together" so long as nobody else has actual needs. Not just wants but real needs.
My instinct is to run. And I do know he's abusive but I can't figure out if he's autistic, psychopathic, low IQ or perhaps one of the smartest and most manipulative people I have ever met in my life.
Should I just say no thank you, if he continues to refuse to at least talk to a counselor at least one time? The only thing my counselor will say is to follow my instincts and do what feels right for me and to recognize that I can't fix other people. I have a pattern of letting other people pick me ... and not recognizing where that leads if you don't have rational boundaries.
I personally think he's either mildly autistic or psychopathic. I'll ask my doc tomorrow about my waffly feelings and uncertainties but it helps to have a place to be right now.