I think by OUT I mean mostly the group, I just I look at all of them and I'm not filled with the feelings I once had. There's no love anymore for any of them.

I want to just throw up my hands and be done with them all 100%. I have plans with them all through the next three months and while they look on with hope, and excitement I look on with regrets at making the plans and misery that I have to go.

A few months ago my best friend in the group and I made plans to go to NY for the day. At the time I was excited but now I don't want to go, I don't want to spend time with her pretending I'm okay and happy. The truth is when I needed her when I called her for help she chose to side with the person who was hurting me, and I know they talk about me when I'm not around as other people have heard them.

My son has been calling wanting me to do stuff, nothing that requires him showing up mind you just stuff I can do for him without him being around, I don't want to. I don't care if he isn't eating at his girlfriends and losing weight he knows I'll feed him if he comes here he chooses not too, I don't care if he needs parts for his fourwheeler to race, even if he wins I won't get any kind of a thanks.

They all just have this little fantasy and they're excited to spend the weekend*This Weekend* all together, but even when making plans of what to do I'm not included unless something needs done.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore, but I can't break ties and keep my boyfriend since he is biologically related to these people. He is torn and so am I and our *friends* have daily pointed out I shouldn't care my son ignores me because we aren't really related. I guess I just thought that maybe I meant more to him than that. I have sacrificed great things to raise him, he ALWAYS came first the one time I needed him to think of me even a little bit he chose to walk away.

It's not that I want to kill myself, I won't do that for the simple fact that I know these people will go to my funeral and pretend to care and I hate that thought, not to mention my son will inherit everything I own and in turn give it to his girlfriend.

I just feel like I'm a sinking ship seconds before it goes down and rather than helping me like friends should they're running. I'm sure it's hard for them when the two of us are arguing but they won't hear my side only hers, and I'm not asking them to shut her out completely, if they'd give us equal treatment I'd understand. She sees them everyday just like I used too and I get a few hours on a Saturday if I'm lucky, my son I haven't seen in weeks.
It's a terrible place to be in when you realize the people you gave your loyalty too have none of their own. The people I cared about most in the world no longer realize I exist and I'm not being pushed aside by someone better looking, someone smarter or richer. I'm being pushed aside by a liar, a *****, a drug addict, and a woman with the education level of a thirteen year old.
Maybe if I was a better mother things would be different. I keep thinking of all the times he'd ask for something and I'd say no. The times were rare, but the times he was sick and watched that movie I hate everyday a few times, I could have done that more.

I think of all the times he stole my clothes and I'd yell at him (I wear mens) Even if I was kidding when I yelled maybe I shouldn't have. All the times he wanted to go to the mall for something stupid and I was busy, or all the times he wanted to play xbox and I wanted to read...maybe I should have said yes, maybe I didn't love him enough I don't know. I just can't figure out where I went wrong that he suddenly wants to be this person that I don't recognize and never see.
I didn't think he'd be single forever, I knew he'd grow up and move on but I never thought that I'd be completely left behind.
I can't have kids of my own this was my only shot and I feel like if he wants to leave me this easily maybe I'm not good at being a mother, and if motherhood is this painful in the end I don't want children of my own.
She admitted to me she got pregnant before when things started getting bad with her other boyfriends and I have no doubt she will now, my only hope is that my sons medical conditions prevent him from getting her pregnant.
Everyone says she's perfect for them and that he's never been happier I wouldn't know since I haven't seen him, but he's coming into a lot of money very soon and I have a fear that's what she's waiting for. She already told me all the stuff he's going to buy her and she wasn't even supposed to know he was getting it.

Nobody will even listen when I try to tell them about this even my friends. I understand they can't do anything, but I just need someone to listen. My boyfriend tries, but it ends in a fight when I say I want out of my sons life completely because his brother is all my boyfriend has, but I don't want him at our wedding, and if I have children which I doubt I don't want him around them. I don't like the person he became, and I don't want her around my children. It may sound harsh but my kids my current son included were raised to be better than the person she is and I don't want my life brought down with hers.

Maybe I am selfish, maybe I'm being a baby and immature, but my feelings are mature, and all I want is for my son to be happy if me leaving completely makes him happy I'll do it, but I can't stick around just to be used and beat down by the people who call me a friend one second then turn their back on me when I need them most.