|
OK, I do kind of know that feeling, or a similar one. I “knew” when I went to a teen-age church retreat and they talked about going down the road to hell that I was on that path. Didn’t do bad stuff to others, exactly, was starving myself (eating disorder) at the time.
Got over the eating disorder but bad feelings remained. Had trouble off and on my whole life. Told a therapist several years ago that I had murdered my own soul. Turns out I probably was not murdered, just paralyzed almost out of existence.
Just came across a theory which helps (to me) understand these feelings and this “reality”. Still hoping, in this physical existence where there IS change, that my “eternal” self can transform a little, too.
I understand your anger about the situation, too. But if you research anger, there’s the notion (makes sense to me) that anger is a response to unmet expectations. So, your anger is alive and somewhere there is a hope/expectation/something that things can ("should") be better. That means that hope exists, too. And is eternal. Do you know the story of Pandora’s box? Your anger is alive. It’s painful but it’s a start.
|