I hate not being able to feel, worst I hate not being able to feel sad or be true about what I think and what I feel about myself.
I got some moments alone and I thaught I wanted to cry, and that I should cry, but that doesn't happens many times. I never know what combination of words will make me cry, but when it happens it's unexpected and sometimes all that thaughts came at once, and I can't stop.
When I start to not feeling sad I think that I should feel that way. I don't know if I can't explain it but it's like you have no reason to be like this, depressed people don't behave like this, you aren't still a good person, you should hate yourself. Being somewhat sad for me means that at least I'm true to myself. When I spent long times without crying I get anoying, I feel restless and min.
The most interesting thing is that everytime I went into my doctors office and I talked about me I started crying and I couldn't stop to talk. My thoughts get even more stucked when I don't cry for a long time. And then I start to think that I am a normal person when I am not. I know when I cry I feel more true to myself.
That's it I feel a little narcisist when I don't feel for a long time and I wonder if I am this way, I feel like bragging myself. The interesting thing is that I hate that, I hate me for hating people, I hate me when I am min, I hate me when I am heartless. It's stupid but I want to feel that my life is pointless, which it is, in order to feel more real and stop the "bragging" anoying thoughts.