I had an interesting session with my T today and now I am left with a thought that I will explain in a second. First though, I need to explain briefly what happened today in session. CSA trigger, may be too graphic, fyi.

I am a CSA survivor of a very sadistic man...he used to cut me repeatedly with a knife (mostly on the ribs, few other places) while he raped and molested me as a small child. Who knows why...he just did. I was discussing with my T about the scars I am left with and how much pain I feel in my ribs during a flashback. There is a particular scar he liked to reopen a lot, thus is never healed quite right and has always stayed red and raised, never turned white like the others. I have another cut on my bicep that is easily visible when I wear t-shirts and I was telling her that one of the cuts on my ribs was a lot like the one on my arm and showed her from my seat (the one on my arm also is red and never went white). We talked for a second more and she got up from her seat and came over and looked at it closer, without any warning. She didn't touch me (she never does, my rules) and she quickly backed off when she realized I was startled. I wasn't afraid of her really, just surprised was all. I asked her why she had gotten up to look at it, and she told me that she wanted to share it with me, help me carry it (or something along those lines). I didn't have time to think about it much before we moved on to other topics, but after session I realized how powerful that was for me... no one has ever cared about or acknowledged that before (mostly because nobody knows what it's from but still).

So this brings me to my question... after today I find myself wanting to push it a little further. I want to ask her to touch it, run a finger over it, just for a second. I want to prove to myself that it's okay to be touched and I don't have to be afraid, but also I think it would be helpful for me to have someone I trust to acknowledge that pain by more than just hearing about it... I feel like it might bring it to reality a little bit. I can't deny something somebody is able to touch and feel. I feel like it could be helpful to me...but it's so embarrassing and totally a weird thing to ask for. Would a T be okay with this? Anybody know? I don't know if I can get up the nerve to ask...how do you ask for such a thing??

And even then...I'm not sure she would touch me given my normally rigid boundaries about touch. But if I am asking for it, then maybe she would see it differently.

I have a week before I'll see her again, but in that time, hopefully I can build up the courage to ask and not feel totally weird about it. I just don't want to make her uncomfortable because then I'll be uncomfortable and it'll just be really hard for me to move past..