Hi and sorry if this is going to sound like a confused rant, but I need to get it out of me.

I have been feeling extremely anxious these last couple of days. I'm leaving the day hospital on Friday and I think that is a trigger as I am feeling it as a huge loss and don't know if I will be able to cope and fear getting worse but its only a short term treatment.

I'm being referred on for therapy and will be under the care of the mental health team who I can go to if I get a crisis etc but I feel angry and scared. I want to scream and cry. I did cry loads this morning. I'm getting nightmares about my mum who was emotionally abusive to me.

I can see the way the BPD traits were formed when I was a teenager when she would emotionally abandon me and say horrible things. I can see the severe anxiety, the rages, the self harm and it all leading up to this breakdown I have had with fears of losing my husband.

I love him so much but my mind keeps bringing up all sorts of reasons for him to leave me, and its driving me crazy. He is being so supportive and loving and telling me I won't lose him but I'm so scared its eating me up.

I'm feeing angry and hateful towards myself, like why can't I be normal. My mind keeps going blank and I don't know how to express this. The complexity and depth of despair is hard to describe.