I'm sorry, September. It's my fault. I'm working on replying on more of the posts, but I have a habit of isolating myself from EVERYONE. It's not just you. I even do it in the church.

It's the way I deal with rejection; avoid it by isolating completely. You'd know what I mean if you saw me interacting in church or should I say, NOT interacting. And Father Lindsay knows about it, because the last time he saw me in the corner and heard I wasn't waiting for the bathroom, he sent me BACK into the church.

I've been isolating myself for 11 years, 22 hours a day with no human contact. The pain has forced me out into the open, at considerable stress to me. I'm not that good about replying in the threads because once I start something, I fade into the background. I don't like being in the spotlight.

I have a horrible case of stage fright. I will only cry when alone usually. I spent much of this morning screaming.

The caveat is I was screaming while biting down on a pair of pajama pants to muffle the sound so the neighbours couldn't hear me. (I needed the permission of a friend to actually do this.) He said do anything as long as I didn't hurt myself and let my parents win.

I came dangerously close to letting them win. I am having my first meal since visiting Patrick. I haven't had a good meal since. I only needed to think of a negative in my life to stop me from eating and I didn't have to go far....it hurts just to sit. I came dangerously close to throwing in the towel and telling no one. Doug was eventually told, but afterwards I had a spiritual awakening of sorts in the church and decided that it would be a good idea to stick around...for the moment...for no reason.
I am very confused as to why I should live at this point, but I just got the idea that I didn't have to die.

Someone is watching over me, I won't say who. But he's protecting me and he isn't Santa Claus!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.