I've had good and bad experiences with mental health professionals. My current psychiatrist is terrible and says things that are very damaging. She doesn't believe a word that's coming out of my mouth. She keeps saying I am bipolar 1 and all the time manic, but its a big misinterpretation. Also at the same time, when i went in there last time, she actually said, "You make things up as you go along, don't ya." This implies in my mind factitious disorder or malingering. My mom goes to all my appointments and she kept on reassuring me and that's not what she meant. How in the hell would my mom know? I want to hear that from my stupid doctor. When I told her I believed I was cursed because of all the things happening, my doctor says, "oh its curses now?" I am getting more and more afraid to step foot into her office. As it is my blood pressure spikes when I'm there for good reason. The only thing she is basing the mania on is just fast talking and some flight of ideas. My mood itself was actually DOWN, negative, hopeless, pointless, not engaging in my interests and very rare pleasure, just nothingness. She is a jerk. I will admit she knows her meds and how they interact with each other. But she makes stupid decisions with that as well. She was about to prescribe ZYPREXA. Now for people of normal weight and a last resort med along with Clozaril, yes that is what people do. But there are still other meds to try out and compared to what I was a year ago, I am much better. And also, I'm around 100 pounds overweight from past pills. I just told her I refuse and that's the end of that. No normal psychiatrist would go right to zyprexa for someone who is already dangerously overweight. She hated me from the beginning because I was scared to death of being completely open on the very first appointment. I just felt scared. My trust is very low or even non existent for others. I hallucinate every day now, but luckily its more in the background and not acting on other things. Its a trigger month anyways. But still nothing compared to last year which I did some seriously bad things (not breaking the law, don't worry). Others would call it a suicide attempt but it wasn't in my mind, it was to calm me down and the voices.

Besides my psychiatrist, when I go to the hospital which is nearly every year now because even with pills I get worse, there are 2 docs that hate my guts and also don't believe anything that comes out of my worthless face. There is a new doc there last year and he's great though. In fact one of the docs (the first one when I went there) said he didn't even believe I had autism! It took him several times to see that I did! For the mental illness side, he acted nice and sweet, even appearing to care and go out of his way to help me but in reality it was all a show. When I picked up the report after I left, he actually said, "I copy the symptoms from the Internet, that's why I have the symptoms." or "she is trying to get called delusional on purpose." WTF is that about? He's a bleep hole. None of that is even true. With my new psychiatrist outside of the hospital, she got angry for not saying all my thoughts including so called "delusions." So which one do I do? I am getting mixed messages from the doctors I have been to throughout my medical history. Another idiot doc from the same hospital said I am a liar because I know medical terms. Did he think even for a second I researched the conditions AFTER I got diagnosed? I've had many of these symptoms well before knowing anything about psychology. God are the brain dead morons. One doctor at the hospital believes me and told me there is no way that I am a liar or faker. He sees it in my eyes.

Also at the mental health group I go to my case worker can see a physical difference in the way i present when I am doing well or not doing well. When I'm psychotic my eyes are glazed over, just staring at random hallucinations or reacting to voices. Other people besides mental health professionals have said the same thing. Also that I have a dead look on my face, with little movement. Not much color in my face.

I've actually had a psychologist awhile back last year that moved so I don't see her anymore but toward the end, she said to me, "you are becoming too psychotic for me, most of the time you are incoherent and reacting to delusions and hallucinations. This is not my area of expertise so I would recommend a different doctor that deals in this area."