Quote:
Originally Posted by keeprolling
I think you're wrong. In acknowledging that you wish to be a good person you're already working towards a path that puts you into a person that you can be proud of. I also think it's very important to realize that everyone is selfish to some degree and mean as well but these sorts of facts about ourselves are not solid and we are always capable of changing them. Slowly yes but they do change. Plus, from what I've seen of you on this forum, I've seen a nice caring individual who is trying hard and having a rough time. So please be a little gentler with yourself. Your depression is really eating away at your emotions ): It's not you.
You are most certainly good enough. If you look closely at your parents they have plenty of faults of their own that you have learned from and are excellent at. Sure you might not think you're good at making meaningful relationships but that just means you haven't had enough practice yet. The only reason why I have some of friends is because a few years ago I gave up feeling embarrassed for trying to talk to people. And the only reason why I succeeded about 15% of the time was because I had had a lot of practice in high school since I'm really extroverted and need friends to survive. I've tried to be friendly recently and I can't do it very well because I'm out of practice. It is difficult to make relationships so don't get yourself down over it. And you have plenty of skills I'm sure so don't let yourself beat yourself up  Hell, let yourself brag a little. It's better to have some sort of ego than none at all. |
Well, I just think I could pick in many points you make and make you realize that's not quite accurated. I will not do that, let's be gentle on me. But I would really wanna know where my feelings are hiding (if it is in depression, if it is in something else) sometimes it's really frustrating trying to help my sister, trying to being cute with my two little cousins (which are cute and nice kids), I just get some sort of thing out of now where to be there for them, but sometimes I just wish everything was flowers and rainbows, because I just can't stand hear and care about others problems. If it is changeble (???) or not I don't know because I'm trying since ever. I get it, I get that no one can be nurturing all the time too everyone but I really envy the people that does that. I grew up in my very jugdmental (???) family, so not following that same path is really hard. They made me learned that first you have to mistrust other people. I don't think it's quite accurated and I try to be open minded and first understand the diferent points of view...I try there are many times I'm just critical as anybody else in my family (lovely), but I'm allways changing my point of view...so I many times don't have one. I wish I could be independent from the criticism, my I find myself making some choices because they think so...whatever I have to grow up.
About friends, I could made new ones until the time I was 11 years old. When I went to high school I found myself totaly alone, I was integrated in a group of nice girls, I like their personality, even I didn't consider any of them like a friend. That was something missing on me and it still is. The feeling distanct thing. Now I feel I don't belong anywhere because there are to kinds of people in my class the outsiders (I group of very strange boys that I'm done of being with and the party ones, with their restrict group, that shares a lot of intimacy and party a lot (very demanding for me and they did push me aside so...). I'm in the middle, I am trying to mingle in some new groups but it's pretty hard for me since everybody is so outgoing, and knows many cultural things, and had travel a lot, and have a lot of connects...My friends choices were allways those people that were not superior to me and that wouldn't judge me. But it always feels like I am making myself be underachieved. I'm a country side girl, who as a lot of issues. It's just hard, I don't fit anywhere. Really in order to not be alone I had became friend (in the past) of people mentally retarded (not being mean here)...really I can't grow up with "friends" like those, but know I can't feel close to anyone, at least I have my brothers, which I can't feel close with either.
I think it's enough. I just was letting my thoughts flow a little bit. I don't demand any answear to this. it became real long. The good thing is that none of you will ever met me in the real world. It's fine being virtual, in fact it feels more like me.