This is definitely true for me. Before I even started dating my ex-fiance, I told myself I could see myself marrying him. 2 years later, the relationship was done and I despised him. He did do some shady things, he hacked my phone and laptop and spied on me using other people, very controlling, kept pushing marriage on me, etc. But even before I started resenting him for those things (because like others with BPD, I didn't see anything wrong with it at first, I just thought Wow he must REALLY love me!), I just woke up one day and didn't love him anymore and wanted to be alone again. Before him, I was violently obsessed with staying together with my sons "sperm donor" even after I broke up with him and he ended up walking out of my sons life because of that. I would call/text obsessively, message his friends and his family where he was, play the "poor me" game, and other behaviors I'm not proud of/cant say because of triggering.....I see now how terrible it was and if it was anyone else, I'd call them crazy right off the bat but in that moment, I thought it was perfectly normal and thats what scares me...

I am dating one of my longtime guy friends now and its been a couple months and going really well...I try to fight off any ideas that are "too soon" and try not to plan things out like I used to (like by the 6 month mark we should be saying I love you and stuff like that), I'm just trying to let it go naturally but its hard cuz I'm not sure how to do that...this is my first relationship where I've been treated and "better". I have stopped with the obsessive texting/calling, its been a couple years since I did that....but I do get down and irritated when he doesn't text me back after a while or I wont text him back on purpose for a while, but then I'm completely normal and happy when I see him or he calls me....I've only talked to a him a few times about my issues and he did call me a lot while I was in the hospital last year when we were still just friends...so I know he cares and hes there for me and sometimes I tell him everything thats bothering me and other times I act like nothing is wrong and that I dont have anything wrong with me...I do that with other friends as well, I dont talk about my issues at all to my family anymore...

So sorry to also write a book, this place is the only place I feel comfortable opening up like this. But I do hope that kinda helps!