desperado,

I know how you feel. I have been there and still am so often. I gave up trying to put the abuse behind me. The experience and its aftermath, everything that it taught me about myself, everything it taught me about others -- it's all still there, it's part of me, and it always will be. But in my recovery process, I have learned more about the world than I learned when I was abused. I learned as a child that there were two people determined to destroy me, to make me cry, to use my body, to humiliate me, to hit me, to threaten me, to crush me any way they could. It was inhuman. I learned from those experiences that I couldn't trust others, I couldn't trust my own judgment about others, and I learned above all to be afraid -- of everything.

I have learned in recovery that for those two evil people, there are two thousand who want to help put me back together, to restore my life as best possible. It took me a long time to see those two thousand people trying to balance the evil of just two, and it's taking even longer to really trust those two thousand. But today I have a power I did not have as a child. Today I can make little decisions each day that move me beyond what I have experienced and learned. Today I can make a decision to do something good for myself. It can be as simple as eating when I don't feel worthy. It can be forcing myself to smile when I don't feel I have a reason to smile -- the effort usually turns the fake smile to a real one. I can choose to laugh out loud when something is funny, rather than hiding joy for fear that it will end. I can sing in my car, and keep singing even at traffic lights. I can admit to my fears and share them with others, and decide if their response is safe and trustworthy before going back a second time. With these little things, I can even begin to believe in myself again, as I did before the abuse began. I am taking that back, one day at a time. While I may not put the abuse behind me this way, I can still move forward to a better life. I will probably always mourn what I have lost, but, in the words of a dear friend, "undefeated" I will "rejoice in my tears."

You deserved so much better than you got. You deserve better today. You can survive and thrive. It is a hard process, but you are worth it. You can build hope for yourself one little decision at a time. We are not lost causes, you and I, and we are not alone. There are at least 2000 people who want to see us smile, and mean it.

be well,

mtd