Quote:
Originally Posted by lostpup
I'm also always faking smiles and laughter. I always think of the past when I used to really enjoy doing things... but now all I feel is this emptiness. Every day... is just another day. Yet I have no reason to be depressed, because there are so many other people who are worse off than me.
I don't know what happiness is. But now I think that happiness is something people created.
I can just call this painful emptiness in my heart 'happiness'. I can smile and tell myself that I am not just pretending, I am really happy. I can tell myself that going through the motions day by day is true happiness.
This is what I tell myself everyday. But there's still the fact that such happiness is a painful one... but I'll just tell myself that happiness is supposed to be painful...
Friend, I wish you best of luck in finding your happiness. Sometimes I just tell myself that to be human is to feel sadness. Happiness doesn't exist. It is just a dream... a wish. People who say that they are 'happy' are just like us, telling themselves that what they are experiencing is 'happiness'... but perhaps they too are lying to themselves and lying to the world.
Sometimes, it's best to just assure yourself that happiness is a lie. There's no such thing. It's a man-created dream.
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I agree with almost you have said,I get sad because I can't be sad, it's more or less that, feeling that I'm not really a human.
I'm a fool and I can folish myself so many, like when I really thought that I will be happy if I learned to play guitar...and I got some lesson and learnt some songs on my own too, I thought I was happy when I got a guitar in my birthday that year. And after the lessons had stopped because I enter college I play just few times. I tried to learned some songs and I almost did it, but it gets boring, everything just gets boring sometime. Even if you dream about it a lot and really thought you would be happy doing that. It's allways the same. I think the worst it's when I make a full of myself thinking I would be happy being with some person and I dream it a lot to the point I almost make it real, but if I hang with that person it's boring, if I see her/him on the street it's indiferent. But sometimes I just think it is true happiness.
I don't smile to fake or hide depression, I just smile and laugh as an instint. Whenever someone talks to me everything I was feeling just fades away. I think I just copy and stole the other people moods. I can't make someone happy but if they are I get happy too. It is not to hide anything because there is nothing to hide.
I remember some episode where I went to dinner with my roomies and I was feeling really tired, totaly depersonalized, my head and my thinking were completly confused, I barely could thought. And still I could be and behave and laugh and talk almost like a normal person, it just that I don't fake it, I just loose track on myself and things I say come to my head and my mouth I don't know how. It's because all these that my father allways thaught I was an outgoing person, a easy going. I didn't want to dissapoint him. They wouldn't realize that sometimes I'm totaly alone in school if there wasn't my syster.