I have a whine coming... don't want to post separately because it is a whine with too much vintage . I hate to whine about this because there are so many others that are worse off in this regard, but this is only my personal feelings as they relate to me...

But I am still feeling largely hopeless because of the lack of people that I trust in my real life. . I am really tired of people giving me advice and telling me how they made it through hard times... and ALL their stories of loss involve them and their family. They've lost money and home and gone back to live with their parents. They don't understand that losing my home is only part of it, the fact that I don't have parents, or any other family to help me out, is a huge emotional burdon on me (especially that I am currently fighting to keep my father from moving in with me right now... so there's a load of guilt there too).

I know people struggling to keep their marrige or family together... I am not in any way minimizing their pain and stress, but it strikes me that they have a family to fight for and I don't. They have a love that they lost, and I never have. And everyone "knows" 'tis better to have loved and lost...

I know I've said this before but, there is still the huge issue of no longer trusting my friends... which was always my feeling of "surrogate family" so now I really feel alone for the first time. It impacts on my ability to get through my current mess but no matter how hard I try, I keep thinking that "success" means not losing my house and thereby having the "priveledge" of living the rest of my life alone and in pain. It drains me.

It feels like I don't have any goals in life anymore. I do appreciate the setting of daily goals, small steps, recognizing small progress. But I do think that only works in the context of having a larger goal that may seem unreachable... if only the goal of not having to struggle through the small things everyday anymore. If I manage a check-mate on the current problems, I'll be left alone on the chess board with no one to share victory with.


------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com