At this point, you seem extremely hesitant to end the relationship with the bf. But perhaps what you need is a break to sort things out. Tell the bf that you need space to figure things out. I trust that he knows you are married? He must understand that you are in a heck of a position, and if he respects you, he will respect your decision. I think that your sexual relationship is certainly influencing your ability to make a rational decision. If you are able to temporarily suspend the sex, maybe it will help?

I understand the conflict. As healingme4me suggested, counseling may help. It would provide a safe space for you to express your needs and work for solutions for your husband to meet your needs. If he is willing to, then great. If not, then that is a whole other issue that would also be benefitted by some counseling.

You are not a horrible person. You are human. We have needs and desires and sometimes we make decisions that, in hindsight, aren't perfect. But that does not make you horrible.