I have this need for close relationships with adults. I have always had this need. It used to be incredibly maternal in nature, but these days it's more like having a mentor maybe, someone to guide you and care for you and validate you. I've spent my whole life attaching to adults in this way, which usually ruined those relationships. I have literally had about ten "mother figures" when I was a kid/teenager who stuck around for awhile and then left. And I feel like it's happening again with someone who is surprisingly not T but an instructor at my school.

I think this need is a normal need to have, and most kids get it filled by their parents, but mine have never been able to do that for me. I don't think I can ever make this need go away. When I try to deny myself the closeness that I want, it just gets worse and I end up super anxious/sad. Having these relationships keeps me grounded, in a way.

T says there's nothing intrinsically wrong with it as long as the other person is fine with it and I'm being open and honest with her and respecting her boundaries, and she is and I am. I don't know what else I can do. Not having these relationships makes everything seem so meaningless and the need gets worse and I turn to fantasies of this perfect adult who will be there for me, and that just makes things even worse. I can't get rid of it. I've tried for years. Denying myself what I need won't actually solve the problem. But I'm scared I'm just feeding the beast...