Another day to struggle though, I'd appreciate any imput.

The OCD I am experiencing at the moment is stress related, I know this, I know the triggers, but I am finding it difficult to cope with. They are violent, sexual, scary and distressing suicide thoughts. The intrusive self harm thoughts are the worst because I just dont know if maybe secretly I do want to do it. I am not suicidal and I do not want to self harm, and actually am quite happy when not plagued by these thoughts and images.

Does anyone have any ideas? At the moment all that works is weed and benzos. I hate that nothing else is working to take away the distress.

I exercise, meditate, yoga, practice mindfulness, I imagine the thoughts floating right out of my mind, but it doesnt stop the depression and guilt after I've had the thought. I have tried reasoning with myself that I dont want these thoughts, but I cant seem to believe that I must want it a little bit or else I wouldnt be thinking of it. And I must be a terrible person for thinking these thoughts.

I can distract myself from the following depression but it sucks, and most of the time I just sit there thinking, "why should I have to suffer?" then turn to drugs because I know it will "fix" me for the day. And then the next day I end up doing the same thing.

When I am out with friends or working the thoughts are awful, it is so hard to be ordinary when I am having these thoughts so I am wanting to withdraw from seeing anyone. I havent let myself cancel any plans yet but I am close to it.

I am seeing my pdoc and T next week. I have brought this up many times, but its always brushed off as just something I should ignore. I have tried for a really long time but its not working. Can anyone help me?