Okay, you're going to think I'm nuts. After all my posting about what kind of therapy I want... I found an analytical psychotherapist with whom I have an appointment this Wednesday.

Hooray, right?

Well... the current T has been out sick the last 3 Fridays. I had an appointment yesterday but called Thursday and cancelled it because I didn't know how to handle telling her, to her face. The receptionist then called Friday morning and said T was concerned because I didn't have any more appointments scheduled and asked did I want to schedule some? Told her I wasn't sure what to do, that I was thinking of seeing someone else. She said the T would call me that afternoon.

So, she called and we talked and talked. NOW she talks. lol. Actually when I have called her between sessons is when she's talked the most, often calming me down from a very panicky state. Anyway, yesterday we talked quite a long time about a lot of things. I said a lot of things I should have said in session (we both agreed that I should have) and clarified more things with her. I told her the hypnotherapy scared me and asked (again) would I be in control and she reassured me (again) that I most certainly would and that we don't have to do that. She encourages me to see the analytic T and take whatever time I need to decide what I want to do. She also said she would continue to see me evem if I choose to see the new T, if the new T agrees.

I can't believe I'm feeling this way, but I am not wanting to leave her. I have always liked her and trusted her. We talked so much and it was so good! The things we talked about were important and if I were to continue with her, we would be picking up at a good place. I think we both understand each other better.

I don't want to leave her, yet I really do want the analytical psychotherapy.

I guess I will meet the new T as planned on Wednesday and see what she's like.

I can see some relationship to old patterns in my wanting to stay with this T who wants to do 'to' me (hypnosis) rather than with me (talking) .

,.. although the way she explained it when we talked on the phone made it clearer to me what she is attempting to accomplish and that is trust in the process, successes using the imagery/hypnosis to make positive changes such as reducing my anxiety. It has helped that just recently. In fact, I didn't know if I'd been feeling better this past week because her method is working or because I had found another T. ????

Grrrr. and LOL.. Did I mention that I have difficulty making decisions?!

So the dilemma (again!!) is what to do!!??

Am I nuts to be thinking of not leaving her after all my grief?

Nuts to think I can see both?

Or just plain nuts?