Hi Verity you aren't broken you are ok Be kind to yourself, your life is equally as valuable as anyone else's.

Choose what you wish to make a part of yourself as only you can define your self-image and security in it.

Lets say for discussion purposes, thought proceeds emotion.It was never that your thoughts were either real or unhealthy, but that which you allowed them to be populated with.I feel it is important to see that there are two influences: What you perceived as conversational input as well as the interpretation of the input.
For example, if you had an abusive past, any number of seemingly daily conversations could trigger a perceived conversation. Why would anyone leave an abuse victim an empty milk container next to the kettle?

-Do I want to see myself as an abuse victim for the rest of my life-own it and make it and the hurt apart of me for as long as I live?
-Do i need to control where this thought is going?Is my husband/wife a sadistic person?

Mindfulness needs to help not only those around us but ourselves as well. Are you happy with yourself or do you wish for change from a "broken" state?Even if you were perfect in controlling the latter thoughts, you would not feel any better about yourself.

Are we also being mindful of where the hurt is coming from, as I am sure my husband/wife is not a continuation of my abuse but stills keeps triggering...

If you allow me to use the analogy of my previous post: What if the construct we were taught was completely wrong and tainted.Every time you used it, it would actually harm you as you know it does not represent you and creates an incorrect view of you and others. The beauty is you have a choice, however difficult it may be, but you get to be who you want to be. Discard the construct if it is harming you and just be you-genuine.Be mindful of where to thoughts are coming from as well as what they are.

Personally I would rather just lovingly tease my husband/wife about the matter and show my affection, bypassing all the mental battles of reliving a past I don't associate with and trying to find truth between some impossible absolute views.That's just me.

In the end it was never the world that changes, but our interpretations as we are secure in who we now are and not who we were. Similarly in my previous post, why do i feel different in social encounters? Depending on how well you know your true self, it will change what difference means if you know where it is coming from. Rejection or self affirmation? They are often different sides of the same coin.You just need to look at the side that reflects who you are and realize that the you you were always looking for was already there.

I have often felt that the incorporation of generalizations as part of ourselves may be a root cause of personality problems.

Verity you are ok, no matter what.