This past month or so every decision I’ve made I just beat myself over the head. I didn’t want to have sex with my bf but gave in because he’s become a moppy depression drag and I feel guilty if I don't. Afterwards I beat myself up because I know it’s not helping my problem at all. In October I gave him an ultimatum if he didn’t find a job by January I would break up with him. It had been 6 or more months we were together and he had no job. He found one just in the knick of time. I want to break up with him but every time I believe its the right time or feel brave enough to do it, he does something incredibly nice for me. Like paying 300 dollars because I had to take my dog to ER and couldn’t afford it. Or repainting his room a prettier color because I said black was too depressing. Or coming home with flowers for me and offering to give me a back massage. I don’t want to make it sound like he’s not a great guy. Because he is incredibly sweet, He can be thoughtful and caring and would do anything to make me happy. He has his faults, like his irrational temper. But I lived with a bipolar, menopausal woman for 8 years growing up I learned how to deal with the irrational. We work well together, and I love him dearly. But I don’t want to marry him. Intimacy does not feel right with him. Whenever he touches me, or kisses me, or makes love to me, my skin crawls and I burn with rage inside. I have no idea why. I’ve tried to convince myself to hate him. But I’ve never been very good at hate. I’ve tried to force myself to love him in the way he so dearly loves me, but I just can’t. I don’t want to live in a life without true love, if it even exists.
There is a man I’ve loved since before me and my boyfriend ever got together. We dated for 6 months but then I broke up with him because I got scared. I thought my feelings would go away after a couple months or so. Normally I get over someone in about half the duration of the time we were together. 3 months go by. He’s still on my mind. 6 months go by, still there. 1 year goes by nothing I can do gets this feeling to go away. I don’t know if he's my true love or some sort of infatuation. This man had a lot of little things I didn’t like about him. He wasn’t super talkative, he slept a lot, he always seemed to be tired or sick or something wrong and he was an atheist (and I am religious). But regardless of all those things I still think about him daily. He was a very open minded person and even if we disagreed on something we never got mad at each other or had a reason to fight. We functioned and thought the same way and had the same moral standings. I Miss just the touch of his hands or the time we spent together doing nothing. More than anything I want to say I’m sorry to him for my stupidity and wonder if he ever will forgive me.
I met up with him the other night. We went out to dinner. As friends, no kissing or prolonged hugging or anything of the romantic sort. He looked so handsome. And something about the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m not alone in my feelings. I tried to tell him all the things I’ve been feeling but I messed up, choked on my words and ended making myself look stupid and repeating basically what I said to him when we broke up. I wanted to hit myself over the head until I could forget him and all the stupid things I’ve done. But I can’t. I’ve been drinking every night with my boyfriend hoping by some miracle I’ll get drunk and say something stupid for him to break up with me. Since I’m not ballsy enough to do it myself or sober. But I can’t get drunk. No matter how much I drink. I’m so depressed and have dug myself into a rut and I simply don’t know what to do. Everything I know I should do I would feel terrible because I feel I owe this tremendous debt to my bf for all the kind things he has done for me. I don't want to ruin his perception of women and make him think that when you try your hardest it's not good enough and nice guys always finish last.