Hi all, i have a problem...

there is a long story attatched to this issue, so i will try to make it as short as possible!

5 years ago (6 years this coming may) my mum died, and 2 weeks after that i began seeing a girl called Laura. she made me so happy, and that summer was the best summer of my life, even though i had just lost my mum. i fell madly in love with Laura, i know it was love. unfortunately, i was bullied which starting days after my mum died all the way until i left school 2 years later by a kid named Luke. he was always jealous of me and laura being together, so he attempted at destroying my life, he succeeded, and 4 months into our relationship Laura ended it, just days after telling me she never wanted to end it. she claimed she loved me too, how much of that is true is beyond me.

when she ended it my bubble that i had lived in for the 4 months burst, and my life fell down around me. suddenly i noticed the gap my mums death had left, and the fact i had just lost the love of my life hit me even harder. depression shortly followed, and it was then that i began depression, and 5 years on i have only just got out of it. i found out that a couple of months after me and her split up, Laura began dating luke. i have shed so many tears over Laura, and hearing that her and Luke were an item destroyed me, and i always worried that he would hurt her similar to how he hurt me. i spent so many days and nights worrying about that.

when we left school we stopped speaking. that was 3 years ago now, nearly 4. since then we have spoke rarely. and by "rarely" i mean about 3 or 4 times. i did speak to her once and i confessed about my true feelings for her to which she told me "i still have feelings for you too, i always will, but im with luke now, and Luke wont let me speak to you". that was about 2, maybe 3 years now. all i know date-wise was that is was 2 days before christmas!

well after that occasion we stopped speaking, until last may when we spoke once. i havent heard from her since. i have worked so hard to forget her and move on. over time i slowly began thinking of her less and the feelings were still there but i had dealt with them and moved on...or so i thought...

then 2 weeks ago i felt a strong sense of wanting to speak to her, i started thinking about her ALOT and began wondering, even worrying about how she was. then about a week later (1 week ago now) she text me out the blue. how wierd is that! we dont speak for nearly a year then i start getting strong senses about her then she texts me! anyways, she asked how i was, she said "i was just wondering how you are" so i replied asking how she was etc, she said her and luke were together no more, that they split up recently (in-fact, to be precise, they split up on the same weekend i suddenly started thinking of her and worrying/wondering about her), is that coincedence or is it deeper than that? did i subconsciously know this somehow?

i asked her if she wanted to meet up for a chat so we could catch up. she agreed and said that it should be this coming week, so i said "now im not working i am available most of the time" which made her question why i wasnt working. i told her that i left my job because i was unhappy and i wanted to pursue music. she stopped texting me then. so i text her again saying "how about wednesday, we could meet up then" to which she replied "i cant make wednesday, in fact im busy all week, i will text you next week to arrange something".

i want your opinions on this. i want to meet up with her. i would love to be friends with her again, and if it turned into more then that would be great as i love her so much. i am cautious about being hurt by her again. and when i saw the text from her in the week my stomach churned and bought back many negative memories. yet i love her. we have so much history, and not all of it is good though. i dont think i will hear from her again, i think she maybe got put off by the fact i wasnt working. which is wierd. but i dont know. what do you think? i run the risk of being hurt so much, and the feelings i have for her have come back with some force too! it has made me down all weekend. they arent just good feelings either, they are feelings of pain, heartache and sorrow, yet the love is still there.

simon

p.s. i told you it was a long story lol