I'm just so sad right now

I had a pdoc appointment last night. He was very nice. But there isn't anything he can do for me really - he said I'm not clinically depressed (I was pretty sure of this anyway) but I have traits of BPD and my lifestyle needs to change, I need to be under less financial stress and find more fulfilling things to be happier, and develop supportive relationships, closer friends and a partner. He frankly said that I could try anti-depressants but with my life how it is they probably won't really make much difference. He isn't willing for me to try them anyway at the moment because I can't commit to not taking anything (diazepam, modafinil, alcohol) for a month or so to get a clearer picture of my mood state. I understand and respect this, but I know realistically I can't cope with my life without these crutches. I take a modafinil on average once a week to help me at work when I'm exhausted and preoccupied and need to sharpen up and focus, I'm terrified of losing my job from not being able to concentrate. I take a valium once a week as well, when my misery and panic get unbearable and it stops fantasizing about suicide in its tracks when gives me great peace. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes the pain is so unbearable and there's no signs of my life becoming easier, and I can't stop my mind clinging to it as my one option of making it stop.

The alcohol - I drink when I see friends, and it allows me to switch off. At the moment I'm exceptionally poor, so it's about every fortnight I have a night out with them. Their way of supporting me is to buy some drinks for me. Usually, this is fun and great and I'm not worried, but about every three months I have a night where I get far too drunk, so that's why the pdoc objects to my drinking. Totally fair enough, but I'm already so isolated and lonely I really enjoy the light hearted partying I get to do with those friends. It gives me a chance to be the person I used to be - sociable, witty, lively, fun.

I don't know how I can change my life with no money. I used to be able to ride my horses and go to the cinema and the theatre, buy books when I wanted, loads of stuff. These days I am under strain to pay rent and eat and travel to work, most days are spent sitting in bed online because I can't afford to buy a tv. I'm desperately hoping that my situation will change and I'll get full time work soon but I feel so helpless at the moment. As for relationships, I could have laughed. I have nothing to offer anyone the way I am now. I have no money to join any clubs and possibly meet new friends. I try hard to nurture the wonderful ones I do have, but they are busy and some are far away. I am, however, very grateful that some people do care about me. I guess because I don't often get to see them I just am so cripplingly lonely.

I know there are no magic pills but I guess I just wish there had been something. Idk.

I hate this. I'm at a loss. I can't find any area of comfort in my head to 'put' my thoughts, so I'm on valium tonight. It makes the panicky sadness into a lesser aching kind.

Sorry for the moan

I hope everyone else is having a better day.