So I posted before that LCM (T for all intents and purposes) told me a few days ago that she thinks she has pneumonia. She wanted to have a session with me over skype on Weds but postponed until Thurs due to being really sick. Then on Thurs, she postponed again saying that she was really sorry but just really wasn't feeling up to it. She asked me to pick a time for her after 9pm on the next day, Friday. I said I can do whatever time after 9 and that whatever she wants to do/feels up to doing. I suggested 9:30 or 10 because I knew she'd want some sort of concrete answer from me. She did not respond.

That's kinda normal for her to schedule something extremely last minute so I didn't really think much of her lack of response to that besides wanting a firm time because waiting around for her to email me to call her is kinda stressful. But I know she's extremely sick so I emailed her around 8pm today (technically yesterday) asking how she was feeling and if she still wanted to talk with me. 9pm came and I had no response. Then 10pm. 11. 12. Nothing. That is unusual for her because if I email her a 2 line thing asking if she is planning on meeting with me, she always responds within an hour because she is on her phone all the time.

I'm so worried. What if she's really really sick? What if she had to go to the hospital and is like really sick and/or dying? I'm telling myself it was Valentine's Day and she might have forgotten that when she halfway scheduled me for a rather bizarre time of day. She could have just completely forgot and that's fine. People mess up and that's fine and especially considering that she is sick, I can totally understand why she might have forgotten. But I'm just really worried about her. I really really hope she just forgot about me and isn't in the hospital or worse. I don't know how to get myself to stop refreshing my email and imagining the worst possible situation.

How would I know if she died? Would my old residential program think to call me? I'm her only outpatient client right now and it isn't through any organization. I found out about my last serious mother figure's death on facebook. She didn't have a facebook. Just someone else that knew her posted a memorial status about it. It was the most surreal thing and it was shocking even though I knew she had cancer. She said she was in remission. She wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to still be here but all of the sudden I'm just casually scrolling down my newsfeed and she's gone. But I don't even have any facebook friends that know LCM. She could have been gone since 10am on Thurs and I wouldn't know she's gone. Would she just stop responding? Would eventually I know if her email were full? I'm completely out of sorts and I don't want to email her and bother her because I rationally know she's probably alive and needs to focus on getting better and that this fear is probably just from losing my teacher in the way I did (she was more than a teacher. The situation was complicated and I don't really feel like getting into it).

I don't know what I need. I think I need someone to tell me to calm down and that she is probably okay and that she probably just forgot. Or that she had a date with her boyfriend and turned off her phone and never saw my email and forgot completely because we really never had a firm time set. I CAN'T LOSE HER. I'M NOT READY. OH MY GOD. HELP.