6 years ago I took a job as an XRAY tech in a small rural community with an adorable little hospital. The hospital was so small that they could only afford one tech even though they ran a 24 hour ER. I agreed to take a job where I was on call 24/7 to the ER. I was young and thought, how could this really be that hard.

Now 6 years later, after slowly decreasing my Oncall time by switching facilities I still have a horrible feeling every time I go Oncall. The constant unknown about when I'll be able to get sleep and whether if I bother starting something will I be able to finish it, or be interrupted is always in the back of my head. I worry my cell phone won't work or I won't hear the phone ring if I go outside.

I get very stressed out and anxious but can't take anti anxiety medicines because I'm on call and they will effect my ability to do my job and to drive from home to work.

When I get too overwhelmed, depressed, and anxious I want to call in sick...but most of the time there is no one to replace me. If I refuse to take the Oncall then the ER can't function properly and sick or hurt people go without the care they need. Then I just feel guilty and much worse about myself.

I'm not sure what the point of this whole rant was apart from needing to get my thoughts out because I'm TIRED and just started a 96 hour Oncall stretch. I make good money and love what I do, the people I work with and places I work, I just really wish I could have regular hours.

I have always battled depression but in the past 2 years the less control I have on my day to day life the harder it is to get out of bed. I have 2 hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts and I just don't see an easy way out of my situation. I need the job due to debt from school.

To anyone who read this whole thing I apologize for the random and long whine session. I am just so very stressed!

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