Thank you all. I feel less crazy seeing there are others who understand the fear and discomfort of this. Thank heavens for you.

I don't know. Most of me knows my therapist won't leave, and the slice of me that doubts and worries always goes ahead and asks for reassurance when I need it. But I'm almost tired of myself now, and impatient as to why I'm like this. And while it is precious and wonderful to have a good T, does it not all ultimately come to nothing if there is nobody in my real life?

I mean I have some family members and friends who I love dearly - why am I not as attached or dependent on them? What is wrong with me?? The therapist is the closest person I have in my life atm in terms of emotional intimacy and frequency of contact - she's like a much-loved older sister. Sometimes this makes me feel so pathetic (because I know most people manage to have these kinds of wonderful satisfying relationships organically with non-professionals, and in real life they are mutual, and therefore sustainable) and makes me want to run, even though I won't because I know that'd be the wrong thing to do. I am muddled in the extreme.