Sorry long thread.

Hey, i'm new to here. i'm 20. Long story short, lots of issues in childhood regarding rejection from parents - social services involved - physical/emotional abuse - lived with my teacher - parents divorced - was homeless sometimes as child etc. Now possible PSTD / GDA and have panic attacks before sessions.

Started Therapy about 4 months ago. I experienced huge material transference with my teacher during school and boundaries were crossed and it mixed me up even more. Only found out about transference through this forum like 3 weeks ago - before that I just thought I was weird.

I come across as a really confident/happy/enthusiastic person with lots of friends and I am - but that's the other me - inside i'm a mess and I can't even open up to T without writing it down. I have fantastic friends but I don't confide in them - i'm afraid - but this is my ongoing homework!

So, T wanted me to write down what I needed now and so I did but i made her read what I had written after I had left.. and was so embarrassed and told her this because it was basically - need a hug - need someone constant / to rely on - feel looked after etc - basically a Mum. (which I wish my T could be but I know she can't and I stop myself from 'testing' her)

Anyway sent this e-mail to T after session yesterday because I told her how I was scared of confronting what I had written and didn't want to turn up ... What do you think this email tells you about me? Was it impulsive? Can anyone relate? I'm always so afraid T will 'get sick of me' even though I know she wont...arg. Thank You x

Dear T,

Firstly, I would just like to say, sorry if I was a little ‘dazed’ today – (you may or may not have noticed it, but just in case you did)... For about 3 weeks my sleeping has been worse, taking me longer to get to sleep which means i’m getting not enough. Don’t think it’s something to bring up as I don’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill and these phases come and go. Anyway, I thought I would use it to my advantage and not even try to sleep last night... because, my thoughts were: if I was tired enough, then I might be too tired to have a ‘panic attack’ – it might be all in my head. But it worked!

Also, the reason I ‘didn't want to come today’ (even though I did) was not that I thought u would judge me etc. It was actually the complete opposite. I knew, as always, you would understand and accept how I feel. And that’s all I want/need and it makes me feel accepted and wanted and understood and happy, and i genuinely know you care, so thank you.

However, you understanding and letting me confide in you and being so caring actually makes me a little sad/scared/angry too and I don’t know why... maybe because i'm scared of getting too attached or the fact I know that as we mentioned you/ i’m going to disappear in a couple of months and I wont have that ‘stability/ comfort’.

I always said to myself if I ever saw you as a ‘mother figure’, like I saw my teacher, I would stop counselling straight away. However, I’ve been/ have made such good progress and as you mentioned once, forming a relationship is part of the process. I don’t feel as attached because i haven’t let myself, but I am a little... and it shows because i haven’t been able to/ strong enough to not turn up or quit.. but that’s just making it harder.

I look forward to sessions on the day, being myself and having an adult I can talk to.. but sometimes I just want you to shout at me and hate me and tell me i’m being stupid and I don’t know why... maybe that would make it easier for me to walk away.

I’m petrified of not having you there as my ‘base’ – I don’t know how I will deal with another ‘separation’. Leaving school and my teacher was huge and it was a horrid feeling and that's when i started getting into trouble with the police because I tried to get through to my mum as i needed her as my teacher had gone but of course she didn't want me. I wouldn't do it again but.. Anyway, I don’t speak to that teacher anymore. It still hurts me because if she cared she might drop me an email now and then. (but I was an annoying/bad behaved kid at school..and it was school and.. so I shouldn't expect that)

Maybe how I am now, is normal and I just have to live with being me., after all our experiences make us who we are...And you have taught me that my actions were a way of survival and getting my needs met so I don’t think I’m that much of a bad person anymore, just need reminding sometimes!

Anyway, I feel I now have the knowledge and tools to get my head straight . I know what I need and what I have to do, I just have act on it and be pro-active.. and I will - I don’t have anything to loose and even if i do.. it’s another ‘loss’ I can add to my collection!

Just wanted to write that because I know I could never say it!