well... i see. things are really going wrong in your life.
i admire you for coping with that government/public thing as well. you have high powers or something...?

hmm..... so the psychological treatment doesn`t help you much these days?
i agree that support groups are a good idea.
i have some wounderful stories about life and how you except them, but i am afraid the may look patheric to you, since you don`t seem to me in the state of mind for that.

i know that doing any kind of physical axcercise-it HAELPS A LOT to take bad thoughts out of your mind. it actually improved my mood. i don`t talk about triggering thoguts. but it helps in a way

i guess you don`t want to live this way any more?
do you want a change? can you actually DO anythig about this government thing?

i`ll tell you my personal oppinion-i think that it`s hard to be sure whether we REALLY pradict things and you shouldn`t consider yourself resposible for the death of all those ppl.
that`s quite horrible. adn it`s even harder to find the courage and the confidance to talk about it.

" go into different "modes" that are almost like multiple personalities but not quite"
i know it`s a type of a disorder. what your psychiatrist is doing about it?
maybe you need to change the meds you take?

i see you have a hard life. now it became harder.
so i think - mostly we have 2 choices in all cases-

1. if we are not ready to except our lives the way they are we try to do something to change them

2. if we have no choice then we have to axcept life as it is.
it means that we practice letting things be the way they are and not feeling bad becasue of themit`s when you know there is no good and no bad and if thigd happen the wqay they happen -then it should be so.
there is a reason for everything. a reason we mught not know. it requiers FAITH in God or in life.

in your case especialy it requiers A LOT of spiritual strength.....
you have to check with yourself if you have it.
if you do it will do great for you. if you don`t ... then you need something else! but i doesn`t mean you are too weak to cope with your life.

"I try to cry in my room but for some reason I can't."

ho i am familiar with this situation. the reason is that your sorry is really that big that you can`t even let it out right now.
but when you find something that start helping you you will find the release of emotion. you know there may be some kinds of music or such things that make you emotional.

so..i wanted to tell you one last thing:
YOU DESERVE a better life!
your way out of your depression will be the new thing...
that maybe you haven`t tried..? nd then step by step you may start releaisng emotion, then after lettingit go trying maybe to realize how to be potimistic one day...

the book "conversations with God" by neal donald walsh may help you a lot also now that i think of it, if you actually receave msg from God-so that you can leard better ways of dealing with it by getting closer to God.
this book really changed me in some ways. and made my life easier.

heck, LONG post. sorry.

hope you maybe find something in
it. becasue if you have those powers- the a spititual way
can be just for you. people who have those powers can find in thelselves the strength to servive....AND get control over the moods. now that i think of it it seems to me more and more that your salvation may come from the spiritual direction. that`s how it seems to ME....