Hi, sorry to hear that you're struggling with thoughts and being confused.

I've been a little conflicted with the same thing too lately. Yesterday I did something pretty uncharacteristic of me. I saw a page on social media called "sick, twisted facts" and out of curiosity I clicked it and ended scrolling all the way through to the end reading about vivid disturbing stories and images from history and reality and being fascinated and intrigued by it. It was later accompanied by guilt for looking at it and being interested in the horrible sufferings and happenings to other people and then later followed by a fear and anxiety that the same things would happen to me for gawking at it happening to others as karma.

There's a skill I've learned in therapy called "thought stopping." It can be beneficial or harmful depending on the circumstances you use it in. It starts with self awareness and being aware of when you are having a disturbing thought. After you can pinpoint it, thought stopping indicates that you immediately picture something to counteract it. For me, I imagine a red stop sign. I have to physically shake my head and sometimes tell myself "no." I also have to do things to distract myself if it gets that bad. Like counting things on the wall or spelling things in my head. Doing something hands on also helps.

Good luck, and try not to beat yourself up over it.