Hi there:
It has been about a week since my initial posting and I still feel like sheet. I just started a new job at the end of January and my insurance hasn't kicked in yet so get a prescription for meds isn't forthcoming. I feel as if I will just come out of my skin at any moment but continue the charade that everything is just fine. I am not my usual laughing lovable self, so, these people at work must think this is who I really am. Someone with no sense of humor and who is always serious. NOT! But, I just have to keep moving forward walking around in this shell of myself. But, that is what is so bothersome. Evidently I can't even pretend that this is not how I feel because my demeanor is such that the negativity is oozing through my pores! I just want to feel better. I have my 3rd counseling session on Tuesday, but, I really don't see what every other week of counseling is doing for me. I need healing!! Not just "hang in there" until the next time I can sit for 50 minutes with a stranger and talk. When I leave counseling I don't feel like, "whew! that took a load off!" I feel more like, "what did I just do for an hour?" How long does it take for counseling to start working? How long does it take to get over a 7 1/2 year "marriage"? How long does it take to stop feeling inadequate, insecure, fat, ugly, worthless and tired? How long does it take to get over the fact that my virginity was stolen from me at 13? How long does it take to get over the fact that my mother beat me every day of my life until I was 16 and ran away from home for good? The fact that my most recent relationship failed, just puts me back in the head and heart space that I felt back then. Worthless and stupid. I KNOW that I am not ugly, I KNOW that I am smart, I KNOW that I am worthy...my head tells me that but, my heart just can't get on board!! OUCH!! It hurts so dam much!