Thank you for your reply mtd, my heart is with you-

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The gun and the knife and the screaming and the hitting, they stay with me and they have held me back.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> it stays with you too? I'm so sorry.

When the event comes and re-visits me, I feel I'm being weak or ridicules. Back when it all happened I was told that such an angry teenage boy didn't mean anything by it....that it didn't matter-- whatever happened to me in those few hours, it was just a "silly" incident. (the idea that I might not be alive tomorrow, that I did everything he said and finally talked him into letting me go... none of that mattered)-- I started to feel guilty that "silly" things could control my life so much.
From that age on, anything that happened to me no matter what it was, I deemed as "silly" and would not stick up for myself or allow myself to feel anything. (though inside, I see now, I was being more and more broken)

I'm so glad for you that you've made a lot of progress-- that's awesome! And I will wish and hope for you that it continues.

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I wanted nothing more than to be alone and safe in my living room, while still feeling so lonely that I wanted nothing more than to be ABLE to go out and be with people.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh my gosh!! I could have written this! That's just how I am, I'm so lonely and yet so scared to venture "out".

Thank you for sharing and for your reply.

mandy