I'm just pretty confused right now. I have dealt with bouts of depression, self loathing, suicidal thoughts, etc. Since i was a child. From the time i was young i remember just hating my life, my self and feeling sorrow. There were always triggers though, just like now.

Now I'm 37 years old, have had to deal with high amounts of physical, mental, and emotional abuse in my past, i have no real accomplishments in life......

I know im all over the place but my mind jumps from 1 thing to the other. It all is connected if you can follow me though, sorry.

The reason I'm writing this i guess is because I'm not sure if im chemically imbalalnced and have been that way since young, or if just a selfish self centered person who can't control her emotions because i don't get my way ?

Ive been in a rut for a few weeks now. There was a definate trigger. I went from a little bit down to really down and not trying to hide it, to crying in the closet, to thoughts of suicide, to self harming......this thing just goes on and on...its to hard for me to get out when I'm where i am BUT the thing i noticed is this is so dependent on a person. This person that i was triggered by has actually went out of town in the middle of me feeling like a piece of #*%{
I thought that this would push me further into my abyss, but it hasn't. Its like some strange pressure has been lifted from me. I love this person deeply but......... im just confused.

I also know that because of how dependent on him i am for my emotional stability it puts alot of pressure on him. That probably is really crappy.
I dont know what my problem is, i dont know what information to trust, i dont know what road to take to try to fix myself